


Kawanishi Taichi : Wingman Extraordinaire

by sopenation



Series: Clueless [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Dumbass! Semi, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Shirabu is desperate okay, Taichi is trying his best but he's so done with everything, Wingman! Taichi, dealing with semishira took 10 years off his life, semishira are both embarassing, suffer with Taichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27630944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sopenation/pseuds/sopenation
Summary: Semi must have heard wrong. Yeah, that had to be it.“What did you say?”Taichi stares blankly ahead and when he speaks it’s deliberately slow, the way one would talk to a child.“What’s your ideal type?”The prequel toOf Cluelessness and Public Displays of Affection, where Semi held the title of Most Oblivious long before Goshiki claimed it and Taichi is reluctantly dragged into becoming Shirabu’s wingman.
Relationships: Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou, minor kawashiki - Relationship, minor ushiten
Series: Clueless [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1992715
Comments: 29
Kudos: 199





	Kawanishi Taichi : Wingman Extraordinaire

**Author's Note:**

> Aka Taichi's tragic backstory.
> 
> It's my birthday and you guys get a treat too <3

The door slams.

“Taichi, we have a code red.”

Taichi doesn’t look up from where he’s reading.

“I don’t even know what the fuck that is.” He deadpans.

Shirabu whirls around to gape at him, looking like Taichi had just insulted his mother and then spat all over his newborn baby or something like that.

“Don’t tell me you forgot!” He shrieks. Taichi winces, half tempted to cover his ears but he knows that would only fuel Shirabu to screech even _louder_ just to piss him off, because _apparently_ , his friend was an overgrown parrot.

As much as he liked acting cold and aloof, Shirabu could be _really_ fucking loud.

“ _Taichi_. Did. You. Forget.”

It goes without saying that as (regrettably) his best friend and the team’s designated Shirabu-wrangler, Taichi knew exactly how to read Shirabu’s moods and the quickest, most effective ways to calm him down without it ending in bloodshed (most times).

Right now, looking at the way Shirabu’s eyes screamed _murder_ and how his fists clenched from time to time, Taichi was able to deduce one thing:

Shirabu was _really fucking pissed._

What can he say? He had stellar observation skills and a killer Shirabu-sense.

He hums thoughtfully, completely foregoing any self-preservation buried deep inside him (his ancestors would _cry_ ) to look up and give Shirabu his most innocent smile, batting his eyelashes for good measure.

“Yep.” He says, popping the ‘p’.

Instead of committing first degree murder, Shirabu just flops face-first onto his bed, groaning pathetically.

Taichi sighs, setting his book down and crossing over to his bed. The bed sinks a little when he settles on the edge of it, reaching forward to run his fingers through Shirabu’s hair just the way he likes it.

“I’m kidding. I didn’t actually forget.”

And how could he? Not when Shirabu practically drilled his so-called “Semi Code” into him so much that he could even recite it in his sleep like an army sergeant.

Not that he’s ever done that. Oh, no.

_The Semi Code_

_A guide for Kawanishi Taichi, written by Shirabu Kenjirou ~~and Kawanishi Taichi~~ _

_Code Green – Shirabu has to be removed from the premises immediately, whether by force or any other means necessary, to prevent embarrassing himself (further) in front of Semi Eita_

_Code Yellow – Taichi is required to stage an intervention and distract Semi Eita should he ever walk in on Shirabu doing something embarrassing like scrolling though his Semi folder on his phone (Yes this has happened before)_

_Code Blue – Taichi has to drop everything and offer comfort whenever Shirabu’s dealing with heartbreak or the crushing inevitability that Semi will never like him back (Ice cream and tissues are a must-have)_

_Code Red – A dire emergency where Shirabu loses the ability to form coherent thoughts and acts like a blushing schoolgirl the whole day, a side effect of bearing witness to Semi Eita’s ‘hotness’. Unfortunately, there is no known cure_

And _this_ isn’t even the whole list. Taichi just _knows_ deep down that Shirabu’s hiding a code magenta or something equally as stupid somewhere.

He’ll still read it though, because he’s a good friend like that.

“I know.” Shirabu sighs into his pillow. “You just enjoy seeing me suffer.”

“You bet I do.” Taichi smiles, fingers never ceasing their movements from where they’re stroking his hair. “So what happened this time? You saw Semi-san shirtless again?”

“That was _one time_.”

Taichi snorts. “Yeah, and your face got so red everytime you looked at him that Tendou-san thought you got heatstroke.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“If you went missing, do you think anybody would miss you?” There’s an edge to Shirabu’s voice now, his fingers creeping dangerously closer to the hair straightener dangling from his desk.

Right. Anything was a potential weapon in Shirabu’s hands. A hair straightener was, if anything, just as good as an iron club in Shirabu’s eyes. You know, Taichi never thought getting whacked with a ratty sock stuffed with dirty laundry would hurt _that bad_ , but (news flash) it did and now he has the bruise on his knee to show for it.

Taichi not-so-subtly moves the hair straightener out of his reach.

“If you’re going to kill me,” He says solemnly. “can you at least wait until after I confess to Goshiki?”

Shirabu finally lifts his head at that.

“And when will that happen? You’ve made less progress than I have, no offence.”

“Patience, young padawan.” He smacks his head lightly. “Might I remind you who’s the love guru here?”

“Not yo—”

“—Me. It’s me. I’m the love guru.”

Shirabu’s head hits the pillow with a _thunk_. “I need a new best friend..” He grumbles.

“Good luck finding someone else who would willingly put up with your shit.” He says dryly.

The hand blindly reaches for the hair straightener. Taichi gently nudges it aside.

“Can we _please_ talk about my problems now?” The brunette groans.

“Alphabetically, or chronologically?”

He flips him off without even looking up. “Fuck off, I’m talking about dumbass Semi-san.”

“That’s not a very nice way to talk about your crush.”

“You don’t _understand_.” Shirabu whines. “He’s too fucking hot.”

Taichi takes a deep breath, silently praying for god to give him the strength to _not strangle this boy right fucking now_ _—_

“You tell me this every. single. day. I think I understand _just_ fine—"

“I ran into him today at the park.” Shirabu says miserably.

“And? That’s normal.”

“No, Taichi, you don’t understand. I literally _ran_ into him.”

“….”

“And that’s not even the worst part.” Shirabu says mournfully, voice muffled from the pillow. “When I realized it was him, I tried to help him up but then I got a good look at him and—”

“—he looked really, _really_ hot. Yeah, he was sweaty but it just worked for him, you know? And he must have been working out more because his arms —oh my god, his _arms_ — I don’t remember his muscles being so defined before. He’s bulked up a bit too and it’s honestly so unfair. You can’t be hot _and_ pretty at the same time.”

“Uh, you’re getting off topic here—”

Shirabu either doesn’t hear him or is just straight up ignoring him. Rude.

“I tried asking him if he was okay but I was distracted—”

Taichi has an inkling he knows where this is going.

“… Please tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.”

“I panicked, okay? I couldn’t choose between asking ‘Are you okay?’ or ‘I’m so fucking sorry’ and—"

“ _You_ _didn’t_.”

If Shirabu had been embarrassed before, he was practically sinking into his pillow by now.

“… I yelled _‘Are you fucking sorry?!’_ at him.”

There’s an excruciating pause, during which Shirabu seems dead set on never coming out of that pillow again.

“Pftt—” Taichi lands on the floor with a _thunk_ , laughing the hardest he’s ever done in his pathetic sixteen years.

Shirabu flushes. “It’s not funny!”

The redhead stops laughing long enough to wipe a tear away.

“I can’t believe you. When I think you can’t get any more embarrassing, you go and do this—”

 _“Stop reminding me!”_ Shirabu wails, launching the pillow at him.

He catches before it smacks him in the face, hugging it to his chest. “You suck at flirting, anyone ever told you that?”

“And you suck at comforting people, anyone ever told _you_ that?”

Taichi snorts. “I’m just saying, you need some serious help.”

Shirabu contemplates this for a moment, his eyes slowly moving to rest on Taichi. There’s a gleam in them that practically screams bad news.

“…Kenjirou, what are you thinking.”

No reply.

“Kenjirou?” Taichi’s starting to sweat like crazy.

He’s calmly getting off the bed.

“Wait no don’t come closer—”

Shirabu stalks over to him.

“No, please I have a wife and three kids _AHHHH_ —"

Taichi doesn’t come out of their room that night.

Okay he doesn’t die, per say. But he might as well have with how dead inside he feels right now.

_(And that’s coming from him.)_

He glares at his best friend, rubbing his sore back absentmindedly. Shirabu had tackled him to the ground like an angry little gremlin, sitting on top of him until he agreed to go along with his shitty plan. That fucker even twisted his arm.

This is how he finds himself sitting next to Semi on the bus ride home from another practice match, seriously contemplating throwing himself out of the window.

Maybe that’s taking it a little too far.

He’s going to throw _Shirabu_ out of the window.

He’s still deliberating how much energy it would take to lift him up because that trash goblin will no doubt be kicking and screaming the whole time, when a tap on his shoulder snaps him out of it.

Semi is looking at him, a small smile on his face.

 _Oh_ , Taichi inhales sharply. _I kinda get it now._

Semi is pretty, there’s no denying it. Girls in school whisper about him all the time, and this even extends to some of the guys on the team. What’s infuriating is Semi is completely oblivious to the hordes of fangirls that worship the very ground he walks on, continuing to flaunt his effortless good looks _without_ even knowing it.

Taichi vaguely remembers how, at one of their matches, the crowd would go wild anytime Semi stepped onto court to serve, and some of the girls even fainted when he licked his lips.

There had been cheerleaders cheering for him too. Not unusual, except they were from the school they were _playing against._

Semi’s got game, and Taichi can see the appeal. The sunlight streaming through bathes Semi in a warm glow, highlighting his already striking features even more. He has a nice smile too, the kind that makes both girls and guys fall to their knees. Admittedly, he’s starting to regret sitting with him, feeling self conscious next to who is probably _the_ most desirable guy In Shiratorizawa.

It’s no wonder that Shirabu fell for him. Deep down, he applauds Semi for doing what has never been done before— melting Shirabu’s cold, shrivelled up heart. Hey, you got to give credit where it’s due.

“Uh Taichi, you still there?”

Taichi blinks, belatedly realising that Semi had asked him a question.

“Ah, sorry Semi-san. I didn’t hear you.”

“Are you okay? You were spacing out.” Semi asks worriedly.

 _And_ he was nice. Shit, Semi really was checking off every single box on his non-existent boyfriend material criteria. If he hadn’t been so infatuated with Goshiki, Taichi would probably be among those fangirls throwing themselves at Semi.

_All men can fuck off. The perfect man already existed and he was Semi Eita._

He shrugs off Semi’s concern. “It’s cool, you don’t have to worry about me. I space out a lot.” He raises an eyebrow. “Anyway, what did you ask me?”

“It’s nothing much, it’s just… you never usually sit with me.” Semi tilts his head, dark eyes analysing him. “What’s changed?”

Under normal circumstances, any regular human would melt under Semi’s gaze —even his _eyes_ were attractive, it was honest to god unfair— but Taichi had a secret weapon of his own.

_“Remember,” Shirabu says, still stubbornly straddling Taichi and blocking any means of escape. “Semi-san never refuses to help a kouhai.”_

It was time to put those puppy dog eyes to use.

“Actually, senpai..” Taichi scratches the back of his neck, looking almost bashful. “I wanted to ask you something.”

Something in Semi seems to activate (Taichi calls it team mom instinct), and he sits up straighter, the smile back on his face.

“Ask away.”

 _You’re going to regret this, Semi-san._ Taichi thinks pitifully.

“Do you have an ideal type?”

Semi freezes.

_Oh God, I broke him._

“What did you say?” He squeaks out, voice incredulous.

_Please don’t make me repeat that._

Taichi stares blankly ahead and when he speaks again it’s deliberately slow, the way one would talk to a child.

“What’s your ideal type?”

“I— What makes you think I even have one?” Oh, he was _totally_ avoiding the question.

Taichi smirks. “Everyone has one. Say, what do you think about guys with the temper of an angry chihuahua but are really a soft gay mess on the inside?”

Semi blinks. “That’s… oddly specific.”

“Yeah but are you attracted to that?”

“I— I don’t know!” Semi flushes. Yep, _definitely_ avoiding the question now. “Why do you even want to know?”

He pretends to think about it, before turning back to him with a serious expression.

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Fine.” Semi snaps, sinking down into his seat. He’s worried that he may actually have crossed the line now and is just about to apologise when Semi mumbles something he doesn’t quite catch.

“What?”

 _“_ I guess I’m attracted to what you said earlier…” He mumbles, ears red.

“The angry chihuahua?”

“The angry chihuahua.”

“He definitely likes you.” Taichi says casually, bumping Shirabu’s shoulder once they get back to the dorm.

“W—What?” Shirabu whips his head towards him so fast that Taichi’s surprised it didn’t snap. “Why? What did he say?!”

He recounts everything that happened earlier, lazily dodging the pillows being thrown at him. Shirabu did _not_ appreciate being compared to an angry chihuahua, it turned out.

_(“Of all things, why that?”_

_“Chihuahuas are small, vicious and ugly little creatures. Now look at yourself and find the difference.”)_

They’re both panting by the end of it; Shirabu from repeatedly whacking him with a pillow, Taichi from repeatedly getting whacked with a pillow.

“Did you,” Shirabu gasps, wiping the sweat off his forehead. “ask him anything else?”

“Uh, no? You only told me to ask him that.”

Shirabu groans, burying his face in his hands.

“You’re supposed to ask for _more_ information. What kind of Wingman are you?”

“Right now? One that’s starting to regret his decision.” He deadpans.

It’s not like he had _agreed_ to this willingly. What else was he supposed to do when 64kg of pure spite was sitting on top of him with a hair straightener in his hands, threatening him to act as a _Wingman,_ of all things?

Although, Taichi admits this is probably for the best. Shirabu was a walking gay disaster who thought telling someone to _fuck off_ counted as flirting. They both know this, it’s why Taichi has a whole folder filled with blackmail videos of Shirabu’s misguided attempts at flirting.

But.

As much as he likes making fun of him though, he doesn’t actually want to see Shirabu get rejected. He’ll never admit it, but anytime Shirabu cries he finds himself close to tears too. So with a heavy heart, Taichi quietly resigns himself to his fate.

He sighs. “Listen, you suck.”

“Bitch—”

Taichi shushes him with a finger. “But. You _are_ my best friend and I want you to be happy. If it means I have to sacrifice my dignity, then I’ll do it. I’ll be your stupid Wingman.”

Shirabu blinks, clearly not expecting that answer.

Taichi turns away, refusing to look at him after saying something so _cheesy_ —out of character for him— which is why he doesn’t expect it when Shirabu tackles him from behind, hugging him tight.

“…Thank you, Taichi.”

His jaw drops.

_Did Shirabu just say thank you? Am I dreaming? Are we having a moment?_

“This means a lot to me...” Another shy mumble.

_Oh my god we ARE having a moment._

He grins, angling his body so he can give Shirabu’s hair a good ruffle. “No problem, Kenjirou. Rest assured, we’re gonna get you that ass.”

“ _…_ Why must you ruin the moment.”

The next day at practice, Taichi takes the chance to sidle up to Goshiki.

Don’t get him wrong, the spot next to Goshiki just so happens to be prime for Shirabu-watching. He’s just being a good Wingman, that’s all.

(If anyone asks, he’ll deny ever scaring off another first year who tried to stand next to _his future boyfriend,_ thank you very much.)

“Hey, Goshiki. Mind if I stand here?”

“Not at all, Kawanishi-san.” The first year beams, and Taichi’s heart flutters a little.

Their shoulders brush. Somewhere on the other side of the court, Shirabu is glaring daggers at a first year whose getting a _little_ too comfortable with Semi. Taichi swears he sees him wilt under Shirabu’s gaze.

Reluctantly, he starts to step forward to prevent Shirabu from doing something rash _,_ but one look at Goshiki’s doe eyes and he stops in his tracks.

He sends a silent prayer to the poor kid instead.

“Is Shirabu-san always this serious?” Goshiki questions, eyes watching Shirabu curiously.

Taichi snorts. “Are you kidding? He acts like a three year old and an angry chihuahua all rolled into one.”

“But look! He’s concentrating so hard he’s been silent the whole time!”

Well, he’s _not wrong_ , he thinks as he eyes Shirabu warily. The ball in his hands looks like it’s about to explode under his death grip.

 _Nobody plans a murder out loud._ He thinks solemnly.

He tries to voice this aloud but barely gets one word in before the younger cuts him off, rambling about something. It’s a little annoying, but he’s cute so Taichi will allow it. Just this once.

“Shirabu-san is so serious all the time. Like, I’ve never seen him really smile, you know?" Goshiki comments. “It’s almost as if he’s a robot or something!”

The younger looks up at him, and _God_ Taichi has never been able to resist those doe eyes. Did he come out of a Disney movie?

“Don’t you think so too, senpai?”

He responds with a hum, fingers itching to pull out his phone and show him that one video of Shirabu drunkenly singing along to ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’. 

Someday.

Goshiki sighs. “I wish I could be as cool as Shirabu-san.”

“But you _are_ cool.” Taichi interjects, serious for once.

“Shirabu-san is different! He’s smart, and always calm, and it’s really cool—”

_Lies. Propaganda. Fake news._

As Goshiki continues rambling, Taichi looks over his shoulder just in time to witness Shirabu tripping on his own shoelaces and face-planting right after a certain pinch server lifts his shirt up, exposing his abs.

Slowly, he turns to look back at Goshiki who’s still oblivious to everything happening behind him.

_Are we talking about the same person?_

“Goshiki.”

The shift in tone makes Goshiki pause in his ranting.

“Yes, senpai?”

“Do you know what the ‘S’ in Shirabu stands for?”

“Uh—"

The blank expression on Taichi’s face never wavers as he utters one word:

“ _Simp_.”

He walks away at that, leaving behind a confused Goshiki.

The next time he interrogates Semi, it’s at one of their monthly parties.

Okay, so calling it a party might be a bit of a stretch. All they really do is lounge around in one of their rooms and watch an anime that Tendou keeps pestering them about.

Sometimes, sometimes they get drunk and _that’s_ when Taichi’s at his prime, thriving off of the chaos and peak dumbass energy of his drunken teammates.

He stays sober throughout those nights, mainly for three reasons.

 **One, he has his reputation to maintain.** Kawanishi Taichi? Getting drunk and making a fool of himself? Unheard of. Being _recorded_ getting drunk and making a fool of himself? No chance in hell.

 **Two, where else is he going to get blackmail material?** That’s not to say his teammates weren’t embarrassing most of the time, they absolutely were. But get some alcohol into their veins and suddenly their dumbassery skyrockets through the roof.

 **Three, someone needs to babysit Goshiki.** Taichi volunteers for this task without fail every. single. time.

Tonight just so happens to be one of those nights. Sadly though, he doesn’t get to spend it with Goshiki, who’s currently getting destroyed by Shirabu in Mario Kart and whining about it.

He _would_ feel bad, but the pout on Goshiki’s face was just too cute to resist. He snaps a picture of it, quietly filing it away into a secret, not-blackmail-related folder.

Lazily, he tips his coke back, eyes scanning the room for anything blackmail-worthy and coming up short.

 _Do something embarrassing already._ He scrunched his brows, trying to communicate telepathically with Tendou who’s halfway across the room and sprawled on top of Ushijima. Their relationship was still pretty new, and Taichi could honestly say they were disgusting. _Come on, take one for the team, Tendou-san._

Fortunately for Tendou, Ushijima pulls him in for a kiss before he can do anything embarrassing. Unfortunately for Taichi, Ushijima pulls Tendou in for a kiss before he can do anything embarrassing.

He quickly tears his eyes away from the couple. The last time he walked in on them going at it in the locker room had been… traumatising, to say the least.

Alas, all hope was not lost. There, sitting by himself in a corner was Taichi’s last ray of salvation. Semi was leaning against the wall mindlessly plucking at his guitar strings, only half drunk.

 _That won’t do,_ the voice inside Taichi’s head supplies firmly. A clear mission in his head, he wastes no time in swiping a beer from Yamagata (“Hey!”) and making his way towards the setter.

“Want some company, Semi-san?” Taichi holds the beer out like a peace offering, cheering internally when Semi accepts it.

“Are you sure you want to sit with me?” Semi asks, taking a few sips. “It’s not like I’m doing anything interesting right now.”

“I think you’re pretty interesting on your own.” Taichi shrugs, sliding down the wall to sit next to him.

A small squeak escapes Semi.

They stare at the match for lack of anything better to do, the butterflies in Taichi’s stomach doing flips whenever Goshiki yells out of excitement, his eyes sparkling as he overtakes Shirabu.

For a split second, a fond smile crosses his face before he remembers he’s not alone and the smile falls off his face.

He looks at Semi out of the corner of his eye, wondering if he had seen his slip-up only to find him staring intently at something.

A little _too_ intently.

Following his trail of sight, he’s not surprised when it lands on a sulking Shirabu. Semi looks… infatuated, and Taichi would give him shit for it if he hasn’t seen that expression reflected on himself so many times.

_Two bros chilling on the floor, five feet apart cause they’re both pining._

Tragic.

Still, this was a win for him. He’d always had suspicions that Semi had feelings for Shirabu. The only problem was getting an actual confession out of him, and _that_ was next to impossible. Semi was as stubborn as he was handsome.

Well, he wouldn’t worry too much about the logistics of getting Semi to confess. After all, that’s what the alcohol was for.

He waits until Semi takes a few more sips of beer before commencing his plan.

“So… is there anyone you like, senpai?”

Semi spits his drink out.

“Handsome guy like you, there must be someone who’s caught your eye.” Taichi continues, completely unfazed.

Semi blinks. “You think I’m handsome?”

_Yeah, me and everyone else in the world. Look in a mirror, will you?_

Taichi raises an eyebrow. “I’m not blind, Semi-san.”

“O—Oh.” Semi mumbles, blushing furiously. Was it the alcohol? Does Semi get shyer after he drinks too much? Oh, was he going to exploit this for all it was worth.

“You haven’t answered my question yet.” He smirks.

“…You’ve been asking me a lot of weird questions lately.” Semi mumbles, fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie. 

“I just want to get to know my precious senpai better.”

Semi makes a face. “Somehow, I doubt that.”

_He’s on to me. Abort mission. ABORT MISSION._

“Say, how good are you at Physics?” He abruptly switches gears, putting on the most innocent face he can muster (which is to say, not very innocent).

“Uh, I’m decent?”

“Great! I suck at it. Tutor me?”

Semi somehow manages to look more confused than he already is. “Are you sure you want to ask me? I could ask Reon for you—” He moves to get up.

“No!” Taichi’s hand shoots out to grip Semi’s arm.

“I—” He falters a little at the wide-eyed shock on Semi’s face.

_Focus, Taichi. Get Shirabu that ass._

“—I want it to be you.” He says slowly. “Yeah, I want you to tutor me.”

“Oh.” Semi’s voice is quiet, and there’s a small blush spreading across his cheeks. “Yeah, I’ll—I’ll tutor you.”

Taichi not-so-subtly breathes a sigh of relief. “Thanks.” He stands up and starts to walk away, preparing to wrestle Shirabu back to their dorm.

“I’ll text you the details later.” He calls out over his shoulder, turning around so that Semi can’t see the smile on his face.

Onto the next step.

“Who are you and what have you done to Taichi.” Shirabu leans against the doorway, looking bored as he watches Taichi sift through their closet.

“Stop exaggerating.” Taichi rolls his eyes, slipping a shirt over his head. “And what? You’ll get revenge on my behalf if I was actually abducted?”

“Actually, I think I’d send them a thank-you card.”

“I feel so loved.” Taichi says dryly. He picks up a stray sock and chucks it at Shirabu’s head. “Now go get dressed, we’re going to be late.”

“I still don’t see why we can’t just study in our room.” He grumbles. “And I’m already dressed.”

“The weather’s nice outside.” Taichi replies lamely, stopping short when he takes in Shirabu’s outfit: ratty sweatpants, hoodie and uncombed hair.

He shakes his head. “Oh, _honey_. No.”

Shirabu frowns, looking down at his clothes. “What’s wrong with how I— _Hey!_ ”

Taichi ignores him, focusing instead on removing Shirabu’s shirt off his _gigantic_ head. “Stop squirming.” He grimaces as he dodges a flying elbow.

“What the hell was _that_ for?!” Shirabu fumes. He scrambles to cover his now naked chest, ears burning.

“Relax, you’re not my type.” Taichi mutters. “Now take your pants off.”

“Fuck no.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Unless you want me to do it for you.”

“…”

They finally make their way outside ten minutes later with Shirabu _only_ tripping him once. He’s pouting after getting his bangs ruthlessly combed, and dressed in a baby blue sweater paired with the tightest jeans he owns. Taichi had insisted on “showing off the goods”.

_(Taichi whistled. “So you can look good.”_

_“You have three seconds to_ _run.”)_

He had tried putting mascara on him too, but it didn’t end very well.

“Where are we going?” The little devil whines, walking behind him and overall acting like _he’s_ the one lugging all their books and not Taichi.

“It’s just somewhere on the compound.” He grunts, readjusting the books in his arms. That fucker had complained the whole day but _still_ brought enough books to fill a library.

“What, your stubby little legs can’t keep up?”

He’s off before Shirabu can get his grubby hands on him. 

Rounding the corner, he’s never been so relieved to find Semi already waiting for him.

“Semi-san!”

The third year turns around at his name, eyes widening a little when he sees him.

“Taichi, why are you running?”

He opens his mouth to answer just as Shirabu catches up to them. _Right on time._

“Fuck you and your long legs you useless piece of— wait, _what the fuck_.”

“Potty mouth.”

“Taichi shut the fuck up.” Shirabu hisses without batting an eye, staring at Semi incredulously. “Why is he here?”

Semi, for his part, doesn’t respond to that. Instead he was preoccupied with shamelessly checking Shirabu out, jaw dropping a little.

Taichi supresses a gag.

“You look cute today, Shirabu.” Semi murmurs in earnest, face flushed.

Shirabu’s eyes widen, before he looks away blushing. “Thanks. You look…” His eyes trail up and down Semi’s outfit. “…you.”

“Well, I can already tell this is going to go swimmingly.” Taichi comments dryly.

“No one asked you.” Shirabu snaps. “And you still haven’t explained what’s going on.”

“Ah, my bad.” He turns to Semi. “I forgot my father asked me to run an errand for him today.”

“Taichi, your father is overseas—"

He coughs loudly. “ _As I was saying,_ I can’t make it today. Sorry, Semi-san.” He smiles apologetically.

“Oh, that’s fine. We can just reschedule—”

“BUT.” Taichi cuts in, manhandling Shirabu into standing in front of him. (It’s harder than it looks.) “You _can_ still continue our study session. Just tutor Shirabu,” He gestures towards him with a flourish. “and _I_ can ask him anything I don’t understand afterwards.”

There’s a beat of silence.

A crease forms between Semi’s brows. “Couldn’t you just ask Shirabu to tutor you in the first place?”

Shirabu’s eyebrow twitches. “Yeah, Taichi. _Why_ couldn’t you?”

It was currently taking all of his strength to not just fling his best friend across the compound, which was hard when every fibre of Taichi’s being was _screaming_ at Shirabu for being a dumb bitch.

_I’m trying to get you a man here, for fucks sake. Be grateful._

Instead, he opts for a smile and lies through his teeth. “Shirabu is just as hopeless at Physics as I am.” He says, knowing full well that Shirabu was at the top of his class.

Shirabu opens his mouth to protest, but doesn’t get more than a word out before Taichi slaps a hand over it.

“Please take good care of him, Semi-san.” He says cheerfully, forcing Shirabu’s head into a deep bow.

At the same time, he leans in to whisper menacingly in Shirabu’s ear. “There’s a new couple’s café three blocks from here. _Don’t_ fuck this up.”

Pulling away quickly, he shoots Semi one last smile before walking away.

Shirabu stares at his retreating back, mentally weighing the pros and cons of murdering his friends with the heavy books he has in hand.

 _No,_ his inner voice chastises him. _Not when Semi-san’s around._

He can always do it later.

Speaking of Semi though, he looked painfully awkward just standing there.

“Should we… get going?” He asks, fidgeting with the tears in his ripped jeans.

 _Cute_ , Shirabu’s brain supplies unhelpfully.

“Yeah, we should.” Shirabu hugs his books closer to his chest, unsure of what to say in this situation. He had been barely awake half an hour ago and now he was on a supposed study date with his crush.

“Here, let me hold that for you.” Semi says, reaching to grab his books from him because _of course_ he’s a gentleman. Shirabu blushes a light pink when their fingers brush, stuttering out a small thanks.

“Where do you want to go?” Semi finally asks, smiling that sunshine smile of his that Shirabu had fallen so hard for.

Oh, Semi was asking him where to go. This really was happening. He really is going on a study date with his crush.

… And it was all thanks to Taichi, who was carrying out his Wingman duties a little _too_ perfectly.

He bites his lip.

“So I heard there’s this new café…”

The first thing Shirabu does when he comes back later that day is scream into his pillow.

“So, how did the date go?” Taichi drawls from where he’s lying on the bed.

“First off, I fucking hate you. Second, it wasn’t a date.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Shirabu lifts his head up, a murderous look on his face that dissipates quickly when his phone vibrates with a notification. He opens his phone, and—

—giggles.

Wait. Stop the tape. What the fuck.

Taichi immediately sits up straight, gaping at his best friend.

Did he hear right? It couldn’t be— there’s no way Shirabu Kenjirou would giggle.

“The fuck? Did you just _giggle_?!”

“What? I didn’t.” Shirabu doesn’t even look up from his phone, a smile threatening to appear as he rereads whatever message it is.

“Uh, ya did.” Taichi says, unimpressed. He moves over to try and catch a glimpse of the message, but promptly gets pushed off the bed and onto his ass instead. “Is that Semi-san? I bet it’s Semi-san. Are you guys flirting already?”

“We _aren’t_ flirting.” Shirabu snaps, heat rising up his face.

“I take it the date went well then.” He smirks from where he’s made himself comfortable on the floor.

“I guess?” Ha. He didn’t deny it was a date this time. “We went to that new café, and—”

“Was the food good?” Taichi cuts in. “Maybe I’ll take Goshiki there someday.”

Shirabu shoots him a warning glare for interrupting. “It wasn’t bad. He paid for all of our food too, even after I tried to pay for myself.”

 _As expected of Semi-san._ Taichi thinks to himself as he watches Shirabu’s blush grow darker the more he recounts what happened.

“—And he’s honestly pretty bad at Physics but he was trying his best and it was so _endearing_ that I couldn’t even bring myself to correct him.” Shirabu gushes, looking far too happy for someone who just wasted 3 hours of his life with a ‘terrible’ tutor.

“I bet it was.” Taichi muses. “So when’s the second date?”

“There is no second date. This was… this was just a one time thing to him.” Shirabu falters, self-doubt and insecurity clawing its way into his heart again. “He probably doesn’t even have feelings for me.”

“Are you kidding me?” Taichi says, crawling up to sit next to him. “Listen, he was totally staring at your ass.” He deadpans.

 _“He was not!”_ Shirabu flushed, covering his face with his hands.

“I’m serious.” Taichi replies. “If there’s even a small chance he didn’t like you before, your ass definitely won him over.”

“Oh my god you’re such a piece of shit.” Shirabu laughs, punching his shoulder lightly.

“I’m nothing if not honest.” He chuckles, ruffling his hair. “Just—Just give it a go.” He picks up the phone, passing it to Shirabu with a small smile. “Text him. Ask him if he wants to go out again. It could be another study date, or just to hangout.”

Shirabu takes the phone, staring at it hesitantly. “…You sure about this?”

“I know you’re scared but trust me, Semi-san likes you more than you think.” He hums, plopping down on the bed and closing his eyes.

There’s a small pause, followed by fingers tapping on a keyboard and then—

“He said yes.”

Taichi opens one eye. “That was quick.”

“Taichi.” Shirabu breathes out, face coloured in disbelief as he turns towards him. _“He said yes.”_

The excitement radiating off of him was so contagious that Taichi couldn’t help but smile at his best friend.

“What did I tell you? I’m a man of my word.” He smirks.

“Now go get your man.”

It seemed like Taichi’s job as a Wingman had gone so smoothly that there was no need for him anymore.

Semi and Shirabu continued to go out on ‘study dates’, after which Shirabu would always return home with rosy cheeks and a spring in his step, talking nonstop about _‘Semi this’_ and ‘ _Semi that’._

Love was a good look on him, Taichi admits. But he would be lying if he said it wasn’t annoying. Too many times he would steal Shirabu’s notes only to find it filled with doodles of Semi and once, _‘S.E + S.K’_ written in glitter pen with a heart circled around it.

Disgusting.

He’d even had to invest in a sleep mask after Shirabu started texting Semi late every night with his phone light still on. Although, he always made sure to get back at Shirabu by bitching to him the whole day after. 

So he had to deal with enough shit in his own room, but at practice? Now there were _two_ lovesick fools stumbling around and tripping over balls.

He almost regrets setting them up in the first place.

Well, he wouldn’t regret it if Semi would just get his shit together _and confess already._ (He’d already lost all hope in Shirabu making the first move.)

Lately though, Semi had been acting more fidgety around them, nearly nailing Taichi in the head with a serve more than once. He mostly shrugs it off and chalks it up to Semi’s pre-confession jitters. (The one good thing about it was Goshiki was always there to patch him up.)

… Which, is why he doesn’t expect the letter from Semi in his own locker, telling him to meet him after school.

He scans the letter, double checks it four times, prays for strength from God and even holds it up to the sun then double checks it a fifth time, but the fact still remains:

It’s addressed to him, and not Shirabu.

This isn’t real. The moon landing was faked. Snake people exist and are living underground. Semi Eita just wrote him a letter asking to meet him like a schoolgirl about to confess—

His heart sinks. No, anything but that.

This has to be a conspiracy theory. Or, _at least_ a misunderstanding.

Semi Eita couldn’t _possibly_ have feelings for him. Sure, he’d be flattered but then he thinks about the heartbroken look on Shirabu’s face and his resolve crumbles.

There’s just— no way.

Maybe, maybe he’s overthinking this. Yeah, that’s right, Semi might want to meet him for things completely confession-unrelated.

That has to be it.

Because if it wasn’t, Taichi didn’t know what he would do.

When he sees Semi already waiting there for him, he immediately backtracks and hides behind a bush.

Screw this. He was moving to Alaska and taking Goshiki with him.

Slowly, he starts to crawl away but he barely makes a meter before Semi spots him.

“… Taichi?”

He flinches. Right. Red hair and camouflage didn’t exactly mix well.

“I’m here.” He sighs, picking himself up and brushing the stray leaves off.

Semi doesn’t ask any further questions, continuing to stare as he walks closer. “You got my letter.”

“That’s why I’m here, aren’t I?” Taichi laughs, wincing a little at how forced it comes out.

Semi doesn’t deign him with a reply.

“So… what is it you want to talk about?”

This snaps the setter out of his daze. He clears his throat, looking him straight in the eye.

“Taichi, I…”

_Please don’t let this be a confession. Please don’t let this be a confession. Please—_

“I’ve been thinking about this. A lot.”

_Anything but a confession._

_“_ I can’t deny that you’ve grown a lot closer with me these past few weeks.”

Taichi vaguely feels his heart rate speed up.

“Not only that, but… you’ve always been a dear friend to me.”

_Dear God, tell me this isn’t happening._

“I—I’ve thought long and hard about this, reflecting on my feelings.”

_No. There are no feelings. Nada._

“It’s taking me a lot of courage to say this, Taichi, but I have to.”

_You don’t have to say it!_

Semi inhales deeply. Taichi braces himself.

“I can’t accept your feelings. I’m sorry.”

_Shirabu, if you can hear me, I’m so sorry— Wait._

_What the fuck._

Did… did his senior just imply that Taichi had feelings for… _him?_

“Can you repeat that?” He asks incredulously.

Semi blinks, a light blush adorning his cheeks. “I don’t really want to hurt your feelings again.”

“That’s awfully thoughtful of you, Semi-san, considering that there weren’t any feelings to hurt in the first place.”

“Eh?” Semi looks downright mortified now. It would be perfect blackmail material, except Taichi felt like he was also caught up in a whirlwind of emotions at the moment.

“You mean— You _don’t_ like me?”

“Holy shit, Semi-san.” Taichi breathes out, pinching his temples. “For a second you had me scared there.”

Semi still looked uncertain, and Taichi had to stifle a laugh at this hot mess they were in.

“Relax senpai, you’re cute and all but I have my eyes set on someone else at the moment.” He smirks.

The tension in Semi’s shoulders bleeds away immediately, replaced by overwhelming relief. 

Taichi cocks his head. “Hm, you’re that relieved? Is that why you kept aiming your serves at me? Was that your way of rejecting me, senpai?” He teased, revelling in the way Semi turned a dark shade of red.

“No— I _swear_ that wasn’t it,” Semi flushed, gesturing wildly. “I just got flustered and my hands slipped!”

Taichi snickers. “My, my. Semi-san getting all worked up over a kouhai with a crush on him? How adorable.”

“Oh my god.” Semi pleads, burying his face in his hands. “I’ll never live this down, will I?”

“Nope!” Taichi proclaims smugly. “Although, you haven’t quite explained why you thought I liked you in the first place.”

Semi lifts his head up. “Well, you asked me my ideal type and if there was anyone I liked. I just assumed you were asking because you wanted to see if you had a chance with me.”

Oh. Now that he thinks about it, that _can_ be misleading.

“You’ve also been staring at me a lot.”

…In Taichi’s defence, he had been _observing_.

“And there was that one time you grabbed my arm and begged me to tutor you, saying that you only wanted me.” Semi points out.

Okay, so _maybe_ there was no excusing that one.

“Wait, but I literally ran out on our study date and left you with Shirabu. How could you still think I liked you?” Taichi asks, pretending like he wasn’t trying to salvage whatever dignity he had left.

Semi tilts his head, looking like a confused puppy. “Didn’t you have an errand to run?”

There’s an awkward pause before Taichi breaks the silence.

“Semi-san, with all due respect, you’re a total dumbass.” 

“What? No I’m not!” Semi protests, looking affronted.

“You are. I can’t believe you actually fell for that lie.”

_“That was a lie?!”_

Taichi looks up to sky and takes one long, deep breath.

_What did I do to deserve this?_

“So you don’t understand why I left you and Shirabu alone. Together. On a study date.” Taichi asks, slowly feeling his soul leave his body.

“He needed help with his Physics, didn’t he?” Semi replies and the worst part of it all is Taichi can tell he _really believes_ _that_.

“I’m going to get white hairs because of this shit.” He mutters under his breath before grabbing Semi’s arm and dragging him away.

“Where are we going?” Semi asks, stumbling over his feet as he tries to catch up.

“Shirabu’s in his room.” Is the only answer he gives, choosing to ignore Semi’s questions and protests the rest of the way there.

When they arrive at his room, Taichi doesn’t give any warning before throwing open the door and pushing Semi into an unsuspecting Shirabu.

Shirabu lets out a squeak when Semi lands on his lap, and it takes a second for Semi to register what just happened before his face turns an equally bright shade of red.

“Holy shit Shirabu I’m so sorry—” Semi stammers, scrambling off him.

Shirabu turns to glare at where Taichi’s leaning against the doorway, watching them with a bored expression.

“What do you think you’re doing.” He bites out, the murderous look a stark contrast to his pink cheeks.

Taichi sighs.

“Do I have to spell it out? You like him. He likes you. Just kiss already.”

The last things he sees are Semi and Shirabu’s shell-shocked faces before slamming the door shut. “Oh, and I’m not letting you guys out until I hear a goddamn confession.” He calls out.

He hears whispers from inside the room and takes that as his cue to leave. Despite what he said, he didn’t actually want to stick around when they (inevitably) start making out.

Romance is fucking weird, he concludes. At least one good thing came out of this fiasco though— he’s more determined than ever to one-up Shirabu by confessing to Goshiki in the most romantic way this world has ever seen. 

If he’s going to sweep the first year off his feet, it's going to be purely because of his charm and good looks. No Wingman, no half-assed plans and _especially_ no misunderstandings of any kind.

Yep, absolutely no misunderstandings at all.

Ha.

**Author's Note:**

> I realised I’ve just been describing Shirabu as a feral raccoon this whole fic.
> 
> Did you guys catch that little detail of Taichi seeing Shirabu giggle? Remember in the other fic when Taichi mentioned only having seen him giggle once?  
> if you caught all the parallels I wrote in this fic, comment down below! 
> 
> Now that we know Taichi has an older sister and Shirabu has little brothers, I like to think Shirabu takes every chance he can get to act like an immature baby without any obligation to take care of the little ones and Taichi just... suffers. 
> 
> If you liked this fic, check out [some fics I wrote for Semishira week this year!](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017882). Feel free to scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/sunshine_maknae) about semishira or anything else <3


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